“He ignores me the whole day, but all his love
messages start coming in when he goes to bed. He starts with how he loves me
and then suddenly shifts to what I am wearing and that he wants to be with me.
The sexual information is followed by him calling me and asking me to make
seducing sounds as he cums on my voice while I just stand there and laugh on
myself for agreeing to get involved in this absurd kind of sex” Disa, a sixteen
year old girl explained her regular relationship with her boyfriend. This trend
is not just happening in Disa’s life but 80% of the people I interviewed told
me that they have some sort of sexual talks every day and the medium for that
includes, but are not limited to: sexting, video sex, phone sex, Skype sex, snap
chat, kik, chat rooms and interaction with porn stars on their live video
chats. There is no doubt that sex has always been one of the most desired acts
of human being, but the advent of technology and its easy availability has
over-emphasized and forced the users to find pleasure in interacting with
people in a sexual way while using technological appliances. Sex, an activity
usually restricted to bedroom, has become a public domain now and has reached
such an extreme level that people cannot spend a day without masturbating on
some one’s texts, call, video or imagination. This kind of virtual sex is
peculiar because the other person is physically absent, but people have
developed a taste in the “presence of desire in the absence” that they have got
addicted to it. This idea of techno-sex is repeated over and over by people and
has almost become a habit, and I wonder if these senses and feelings of
techno-sex would become “natural” to our coming generations. This paper is an
attempt to highlight how technological inventions have changed our sex lives,
relationships and societies in bigger context and what the future could look
like.
Around 70
years ago, Saa’dat Hassan Manto was sent to trials for writing stories like
“Thanda Gosht” and “Khol Do” because they were considered as vulgar and stories
that would spoil the youth and the society. Gradually, modernity started
creeping into the subcontinent bringing with it “Freedom of Speech” and other
such revolutionary campaigns which gave people the independence to write and
read what they wanted. After that, it did not take long for technology, the
prophet of modernity, to invade the lives of people in our part of the world.
Radio, TVs, VCRs, CDs and other such gadgets were resisted by the religious
groups but it was not possible to stop the “liberals” to make these
technologies a part of their daily lives. A change came when computers, mobile
phones and finally internet became a part of common people’s everyday routine. Before
internet, it was very hard to get anything about sex because everything was
censored in Islamic republic of Pakistan and the most you could see was the
‘Fashion Shows’ where half-naked women from the west would advertise some dress
brands and we would watch them hiding the channels from our families. I
remember going to the CD centers when I was in 10th grade as some of
my friends talked about “sexy films” and we would hesitate to ask for the CDs,
but the most courageous would diffidently buy “blue films” and we would watch
it somewhere where there was no one around. Today, all the porn sites are under
our finger and with proxy we can watch whatever style of porn we want with only
one click. Sarim, a 50 year old shopkeeper I interviewed, told me: “I used to
masturbate by looking at the pictures of hot models on the cover of magazines,
but your generation has so many options with the handiness of internet, and I
cannot blame them if they are involved in techno-sex”. Another interviewee
Rasid said smiling: “When I was in my teen age, we usually had to share room
with someone in the family and it was very hard to find a place where you can
be alone and watch something sexual, but today every kid has a separate room or
they push away their friends and family and can easily find a space which gives
them an opportunity to watch whatever they want in their smartphones and
laptop”. This change in the societal framework has definitely made the option
to get involved in techno-sex feasible and handy, but why would people get into
cyber-sex when they have so many other options to do on the internet and cellphones?
“I usually do sexting with girl(s) because I
think it creates a sense of ‘next level trust’ when we share information about
our personal stuff like bra size, what we are wearing and menstruation periods,
etc.” Karam tells his reason of techno-sex. It is interesting how people try to
legitimize the desire of sex with different reasoning which they think are
perfectly correct. Some people I interviewed say that because normal
discussions get boring, they talk about sex to spice things up and to get out
some pleasure from it. This pleasure is in direct connection with our senses:
we start by texting where we can sext and imagine everything else, we then ask
for nude pictures, then we can have phone sex where we get the acoustic
pleasure and imagine the rest of the senses, and the final way is to Skype or
video sex where we can hear and see and touch ourselves to get out pleasure. It can be noticed that how these different
ways are a one-step higher representation of our un-satisfaction of the desire,
and in order to reach the satisfaction level, we get addicted to this act of
interacting with different people in sexual way and keep doing that but this
desire keeps increasing. Zaren, a friend I interviewed, says: “I used to watch
porn every weekend, but then I started talking to girls about sex and I think
that raised me more than watching porn, but I definitely used the knowledge
from porn to seduce them and myself”. The
interaction with people than watching videos make it more real and thus have
more impact on us but it is still very un-real. The capitalist world we are
living in has taken this desire into account and is striving very hard to bring
in some reality into watching porn and the sexual interaction of people. There
is a device called “flesh light” where there is actually a hole where you can
put your dick into to masturbate while sexting or video-sexting. This is the
height of illusion and deception, but the force of capitalism is so strong that
thousands of people use this device and many of them buy the product in order
to see how it looks like. Movies also have a great impact on spreading the
desire to go for the pleasure of sex and masturbation, like in the famous movie
“The wolf of Wall street” the boss tells his newly joined employee to jerk off
thrice a day in order to relax himself in order to work properly in the
fast-paced business market. It is remarkable to see that in olden days people
would refer to meditation and nature to find peace but nowadays sex and masturbation
is considered as ways to relax. Modern ideas like these do not live in the Wall
Street only but they have directly or indirectly impacted our societies.
“Whenever
I feel like, I lock my room door, plug in my headphones and masturbate on my
favorite porn star Mia Khalifa. I do not think anyone else is effected at all
by my action so there is nothing wrong with it” explained Ansar when I asked
him if his techno-sex has any impact on the society. I think it is another
misconception which comes in a form of motivation to make people free from the
society and do things like cyber-sex, but are we really detached from the
society when we involve ourselves in any kind of act? I believe that locking
the door and making things private does not stop our actions to influence the
society around us because the concept of private and public is very vague and
there is a very thin imaginary boundary between them through which the ripples of
our action can easily diffuse. Humans are social beings and we do not exist in
isolation with others and the society. John Donne has put it very nicely in his
poem: “No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.” (Hunter, J. (n.d.). No Man Is An Island Poem. Retrieved December 6, 2015, from http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/no-man-is-an-island.)
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.” (Hunter, J. (n.d.). No Man Is An Island Poem. Retrieved December 6, 2015, from http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/no-man-is-an-island.)
When we
come out after video sex or looking at nudes of others, we usually see the
people in our practical life through the lens of pleasure. The porn sites have
increased the idea of objectifying people to a huge extend by introducing
different categories in the most viewed part of porn sites, such as: “ Pretty
girl with BIG TITS getting fucked” or “ Big Ass Asian” or “ Hot blonde takes in
Arabian large dick”. Furthermore, there is a lot violence in the porn sites,
like gang-bang and ‘school girl sex’ (child-abuse), which then gets into our
thoughts and could come out any time if we find the opportunity to. There is a
lot of abuse attached to this techno-sexual desire because when people do not
agree with us to get involved in this, we blame them and categorize them as
boring and life-less. The final product
of techno-sex is masturbation and that sucks away a lot of energy. Saim, a
teacher in a local school I interviewed, says: “I feel weakness throughout the
day when I masturbate on a porn star in the morning before taking a shower. I
feel that my performance in the classroom is not as good because I get tired
and do not interact with my students much.” I also remember my zoology teacher
telling me that masturbation also reduces our memory and obviously it has
impacts on our physical being and is a waste of time. These are the reasons
that a person who is involved in techno-sex usually gets addicted to it and
cannot be an active part of the society who can contribute something positive
to the community.
A friend of mine recently broke up
with his girlfriend because he says that she was not being “open” enough with
him. I inquired him more about what he actually means by being open and it come
to me with no surprise when he started telling me that his girlfriend would not
sext with him or send him pictures or video call with him. I tried to explain
to him that he should give him some space and let her decide what she wants to
share with him but the notion of openness based on sexuality has become a
deciding factor among the youth to maintain relationships. People who do not
like techno-sex suffer the most because they just do not find it appealing, but
they get put down because they are not fulfilling the desires of their loved
ones. Asna says “I cannot believe people do cyber-sex and expect you to be a
part of it. I find no pleasure in this at all whatsoever but I have been turned
down by guys calling me extremist and closed minded.” This has created a huge
contradiction because some people think of techno-sex as a step up in
relationship and trust building while others think of it as stupid and useless
with no practicality. As a result, it influences a lot of relationships in the
society where people do not have conflicts on real things but on the
technological inceptions. A very interesting thing I discovered was the impact
of watching porn and other cyber-sex material on married people and it is
remarkable. Akras, a shopkeeper I interviewed, says “I have watched porn
throughout my life starting from 10 year old and when I finally got married, I
had all those ideas in mind. I was very disappointed to see none of that
happening in reality and I waited for the sounds to come out but it was not
natural at all. I always wonder if I am lacking something which does not give
my partner enough pleasure.” The abstraction of techno-sex has created an
insecurity among people because they are very much exaggerated in order to
attract people while it is nothing near the real life experience. Many people I
talk to totally regret doing any kind of techno-sex with their
ex-girlfriend/boyfriend because they are afraid that they will use the pictures
and texts against them at some point. Zehra says that she trusted her boyfriend
but what if he had saved the pictures somewhere and would blackmail her now. I
also found out that in the context of Karachi or Pakistan in general, females
do not like to initiate any sort of techno-sexual activities. During my
research, I went to different video sex sites like “chatroulette.com” or
“omegle.com” etc. and found out that the ratio of females to males in general
from throughout the world is 3:10, while in chat rooms of Pakistan, you will
hardly find one female after skipping every ten males. I didn’t get many responses
as a guy, but when I changed my name to Mehwish, there was a flood of messages
and video calls. This is another aspect to techno-interaction that people can
change their identity and can trick you easily. The cat fishing can create
major problems because some people just get attached to the wrong name or
identity they are given and can go through shocks when the real identity is
revealed.
In the cultural context of Pakistan,
there has been a lot of resistance to the idea of techno-sex because of the
prohibition of sex in Islam and Pakistan is an Islamic country. One cannot
directly reach the porn sites as they are blocked by Pakistan Telecommunication
Authorities (PTA). There are moral terms in built in many people who just
reject the idea of techno-sex as this takes away piety and purity of people.
Despite all these abstinences, it is very surprising to read the newspaper
report: “SAN FRANCISCO: According to the data released by Google,
Pakistan tops the list of most porn-searching countries and leads the way in
porn searches for animals like pigs, donkeys, dogs, cats and snakes.” (Pakistan
tops list of most porn-searching countries: Google - The Express Tribune.
(2015, January 18). Retrieved December 6, 2015, from http://tribune.com.pk/story/823696/pakistan-tops-list-of-most-porn-searching-countries-google/).
This is frightening that people
cannot really be stopped from this act and they come up with different proxies
to reach such sites. Furthermore, in this strict religious culture, people
justify techno-sex announcing it to be far better than real sex. Hanza, a
supporter of techno-sex, claims: “Techno-sex is safer as it does not take away
your virginity and it does fulfill your desire for sex. Physical and practical
sex is more complex and messy.” This is a valid argument to make but many
people meet in person after getting some interaction on cyber-sex sites and
then they have no difficulty in getting to having sex. I was offered by a 36
year old female I came across on a chat room to meet her in her place in Saddar
during my short research of few days which I refused, but I guess this is
common for people to meet like this.
This is just an observation of
what I could discover about our present time and thinking about the future of
techno-sex leaves my mind blur. Technology and modernity work at a very fast
pace under the flag of capitalism and I am sure that this change of our desire
from real sex to techno-sex will boost to a high level. Just like capitalism
has dominated our senses and taste, it will create a separate taste of
techno-sex which would be close to reality and which will give us pleasure. I
have seen in my life time that with the introduction of various games like
“words with friends”, and other applications like “my thumb, kik, snap chat”
and other communication mediums, the sexual interaction online has increased
than when we only had Facebook or Orkut only. With the world “progressing”, there are going
to be more applications and devices coming our way which can bring techno-sex
to a “normal and natural” category in life. The movie “Her” puts forward a notion that
technology can take over the relationship preferences because the actor develops
regard for his self-developed software of audio technology of a female
character. Would humans be more affectionate towards their technological
gadgets and applications than humans in the coming days? Wouldn’t it be
completely absurd if people tell you that they have Cortina software who they
can techno-sex with and talk to in general and that they do not need any human
in their life? The future of techno-sex is frightening and something which we
should be careful about otherwise the machines will totally conquer us.
The
reason I carried out this research is not because “others” are involved in the
activity of techno-sex, but because I am trapped in this marsh myself and I
wanted to use this paper as a motivation to deviate myself away from
techno-sex. I am a reflection of my society and the society lives inside me as
much as I live inside the society, and I would rather be an active part of the
society than following the desires which are quite un-real. I have been
fantasizing people I meet in my life and prioritize relationships accordingly,
but this activity of writing gave me an opportunity to sit back and reflect on
what I have been doing. I am trying to shift all the time and energy I spend in
techno-sex into writing and poetry so that people become aware of my limited
experience of life. It is a process of de-constructing the capitalist and
technological construct for myself and for my society. I have hardly done any
deep conversations about life, philosophy or other such topics with girls who
are close to me rather I have jumped into sexting or other form of techno-sex.
It will require quite hard work to transfer myself, but it is never late to
take the first step. This is the aim of my anthropological research that I want
to apply the research on myself and the society which lives inside me.
In conclusion, the action of
techno-sex has invaded our lives to a very high extend and is growing
continuously with the progress in technology. It has created a deception and
illusionary taste which we have become addicted to. It has impacted our relationships
and created insecurities thus interfering our connection with our society.
Techno-sex has been legitimized in various ways that I explained in different
cultural context, but we need to realize what it does to our culture. We should
come out of ourselves and our desires to look into ourselves and our own
actions. No matter what decisions we make about techno-sex, we should realize that
our tastes, feelings and senses are being shaped by the invisible hand of
capitalism to get us into the business of consumerism. We should be conscious
that techno-sex is neither natural nor a necessity, but it is a choice open to
all of us which we have to make for ourselves and our society. This beautiful
poem by Allama Iqbal sums up the message I want to give:
يہ
مشت خاک ، يہ صرصر ، يہ وسعت افلاک
کرم
ہے يا کہ ستم تيری لذت ايجاد
Bibliography
Hunter, J. (n.d.). No Man Is An
Island Poem. Retrieved December 6, 2015, from http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/no-man-is-an-island.
Pakistan tops list of most porn-searching
countries: Google - The Express Tribune. (2015, January 18). Retrieved December
6, 2015, from http://tribune.com.pk/story/823696/pakistan-tops-list-of-most-porn-searching-countries-google/
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